Favorite Fall Trends and Timeless NYC Style

    In no particular order...

Blue Suede Shoes
 

Studs

Leather Leggings

While I've always loved fashion, living in the city has really allowed me to evolve my personal style and explore the cutting edge without fear of falling off it. The stakes are higher here and everyone just gets it, I suppose. So I get to experiment more and try looks that would otherwise make me look like an alien in say...Stamford, Connecticut...where the girls still think the wrinkled Abercrombie halter tops and matching foam flip flops are stylish and the boys like to compete for who can wear the most polo shirts at one time. Yeah.

Being the only member of my very large extended family who lives in NYC has its perks. They all think of me as the style guru because the way I dress reflects where I live and because I'm not a doctor and I'm not married so I gotta have something they can comment on to make me feel like less of a failure. I'll take it. Hey, why worry about a husband when you can have a boyfriend...blazer?

So two of my female cousins recently asked me how to "New Yorkify" their wardrobes. I thought it was a fun question and came up with the following pieces that I think instantly add some big apple to an otherwise Georgia peach closet...

*Disclaimer: while none of this is really groundbreaking stuff, I do think these items capture the essence of timeless as opposed to trendy New York style.

A multipurpose fitted black jacket
         

"Don't F With Me" Heels

A bold Clutch

A statement necklace
 

A black skinny pant or leather mini

That was fun. Time to go wonder where all my money went...

2 Cents

I'm not sure why, but I feel fairly certain that if your name is Lauren, there's an 80% chance that you're a bitch.
[If your name is Lauren and you bitch me out for this, congratulations! You've just proven my point.]

Did anyone else download 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" and think it was an incomplete copy, not realizing that the song actually starts that way?

The penalty for driving in an EZ-Pass Only Lane for as long as possible only to hold up everyone behind you as you try to merge into the cash lane should be life imprisonment or a mandate that the perpetrator gets a face tattoo that says "EZ Ass" and then agrees to appear in a series of PSAs warning others of the consequences of driving in an EZ-Pass lane without an EZ-Pass. Friends don't let friends be an EZ Ass.

I believe you can tell a lot about a person based on the rate at which he/she changes his/her Faceook profile pic. Too infrequently = damn, you must've let yourself go since "KrAZEE NiTe @ RuDY'z!!" Too often = get the eff over yourself, Paris Hilton.

Does anyone else who is either over the age of 14 or a straight male of any age feel the need to qualify/justify/altogether conceal the fact that they like "Twilight"?

If "birthday sex" is better than regular sex, why not have sex that way all the time?

99% of the sentences that begin with the word "actually" followed by a considerable pause emanate from the mouths of douche bags.

I painted the soles of my shoes red so they would look like Christian Louboutins, but I think what it gave it away is that Christian Louboutin doesn't make Converse All-Star sneakers.

WTF people, if violets are blue, what moron named them "violets"??

You know how one of the common side effects drug companies are obliged to mention in their commercials is ALWAYS blood clots? Wouldn't it be funny if they made an anti-blood clot prescription drug and one of the side effects was blood clots?

Are you freakin' kidding me, Google?

Can We Still Be Friends?

Is it possible to be genuine friends with someone you were once in love with?

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Florida, where I will be vacationing with my family. Since my ex lives there and I haven't seen him in a year, I reached out to him to see if he wanted to grab a drink. This seemingly innocent inquiry has developed into a source of anxiety for me, however, and I am now forced to once again address the notion that I may not be as emotionally mature as I like to pat myself on the back for.

The first issue is my current boyfriend. He and my ex get along like Crocs and couture. Needless to say, he is altogether less than thrilled about the reunion, but I don't think it's as simple as "I don't like punks" (His words). There's another layer beneath such profound words. I think he thinks it's abnormal to want to stay friends with an ex.

This is the second issue that's been nagging me. Is it abnormal? Am I being naive? Let's review. My ex and I were never really "friends" first. Sure, we knew each other for a while before we actually started dating, but there had always existed an attraction. Chemistry-wise, we went together like a boyfriend blazer and a high-waisted miniskirt. While we were together, all we really had in common was each other. Given the long-distance nature of our relationship, we didn't have mutual friends. Post-breakup, then, there is nothing that would naturally cause us to interact with each other once in a while.

BUT. This guy isn't just some dude I dated. He was my first...everything. I really, truly, deeply and emphatically loved him. So yes, I don't still love him romantically. But does that mean I have to stop loving him platonically? Is it possible to do so?

The third issue is that I'm just generally nervous and anxious about seeing him again. I'm not quite sure what to expect this time around, given that our previous post-breakup rendezvous (how do you pluralize that word??) have included some...bonuses. But now I'm in a relationship with someone I'm crazy about. So there's that. Plus I've heard talk of a 19-year-old girlfriend. *rolls eyes so dramatically that they almost turn inside out...eww* Wow. 19, huh? She must be really, really...smart.

And then, there's the chemistry. As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that I'll always find him attractive. I whole-heartedly know I'm not going to act on any impulses I may have but temptation is such a tricky thing. Is it enough just to resist the urge to act? Or is it already condemning that I have the urge at all?

Dear Lord, I hope he got fat and bald.

Chicks Aren't Funny

While there are certainly some exceptions (See: Sylvia), if you are of the female persuasion, chances are, you are not funny (See: Katiesopinion). Sorry.

Watching you try to be funny is akin to watching puppies getting lit on fire. In other words, more than anything, it just...hurts. It's sad, pathetic, miserable, and leaves everyone wondering "who would do such a thing?"

Now. You may be thinking, "well, everyone tells me I'm funny, so I'm definitely an exception." You're probably wrong. You are probably not an exception; you are probably not funny. Rather, you are probably hot.

See, in our society, women can fall into one of two categories:
1. Hot
2. Uggo

If 90% of the people that tell you that you are funny are straight males, congratulations! You are hot. (happy face). However, this also unfortunately means you are not funny at all. (sad face). This is not opinion. This is science.

Now. It is possible to be both hot and legitimately funny. But existence of the first two variables in one female subject (hot and funny) will automatically yield a third variable 99% of the time. That variable is: famous. Therefore, if you are a woman who is both hot and funny, you are probably also famous. If you are not famous, go back and figure out which of the first two variables you are not.

Finally. Even though we've already established that odds are, you are not funny, there is still a glimmer of hope. Even though you are not a funny person, you can still exhibit funny behavior from time to time. This is especially true if you are a dumb ass. The key here is to never attempt to be funny. In fact, your level of funny is inversely proportional to the frequency with which you try to be funny. Of course, in these instances, the difference is that people are laughing at you rather than with you. Fortunately for you, you're a dumb ass and can't distinguish this difference. Everybody wins.

So. To sum up:
1. If you are a girl, you are probably not funny.
2. If people tell you that you are funny, you are probably hot and not funny.
3. If you actually are hot and funny, you are Julia Louis Dreyfus. Good job.
4. If you are not Julia Louis Dreyfus, go back and repeat steps 1-3 and figure out where you went wrong.
5. If you stop trying to be funny and are an idiot, you win! Woah, you are like really, really funny.

You're all welcome.

If I Pretend to Be Impressed, Will You Leave Me the Hell Alone?

There's a new guy at work. Another law student peon just like me. Yet unlike me, this peon doesn't seem to know his role. Example:

Litigation attorney: Can you print out this case for me?
New guy: Is this for the CSI suit? I really don't think they have a solid defamation claim.
Litigation attorney: Really?!? Holy SHIT! What are we doing even thinking about settling! We must be out of our minds! Thank GOD you came along and saved us from making the most gigantic mistake in CBS history since "Worst Week" was almost picked up for a second season!

Yeah, that's what happened. Except...not. In reality, this it what the litigation attorney actually said:

Litigation attorney: you know what, I'm kind of in a hurry. Can you please just print it out and leave a copy on my desk. And if you can't find the right case, get Dan to do it.
New guy: I'm Dan.
Litigation attorney: (nothing because by then she's already walked away)

I don't get this guy's deal. He's older (probably mid-40s) and is doing the old career switch-a-roo so I suppose he has business experience. Fine. Good for him. But CBS didn't hire him as an executive with decision-making powers. They didn't hire him as general counsel. They hired him as a lowly, unpaid, intern peon. And, at the end of the day, he is a second year law student who still doesn't know jack shit about being a lawyer. So why does he insist on acting like one?

Here's another example. One of my bosses asked me to take on a litigation-related project she had originally given to this guy. This is how it should've gone down.

My boss: Lisa, can you summarize these cases for me?
Me: OK.
New guy:

Nothing! He should've said nothing! It's of no concern to him! My boss asked me a question. I answered. Done This is what actually happened:

My boss: Lisa, can you summarize these cases for me?
Me: OK
New guy: *pokes head into my and the other clerk's office* Make sure you send those to me first so I can proofread and make adjustments.
Me: Or...I could staple your lips so you STFU.

Seriously, who the F does this guy think he is? Where does he get the cajones to pull rank over me? We are both rising third year law students. The difference between us? I've been here for a year and he's been here five seconds. Also, I go to a better law school. So I ask again, who the F does this guy think he is? I'll tell you who. Someone who's negative seconds away from getting his lips stapled.

Moreover, he's seemed to cram 80 bajillion hours worth of boring-ass, longwinded, mind-numbingly trite stories (all of which involving irrelevant tidbits about himself he thinks are mega-impressive) into the five seconds he's actually been here. Seriously, if I hear one more story that starts with "I hate to brag, but" from this guy, I'm going to fire extinguish his face.

Example:
New guy: Whatchya doing?
Me: *mutters* None of your beeswax. Go play in some traffic, guy. Looking up restaurants for dinner with my friend.
New guy: Oh you should definitely try this place on the upper east side. Do you like Japanese? I mean real, authentic Japanese.
Me: No, I like fake Japanese.
New guy: (oblivious to my sarcasm) I hate to brag, but...
Me: *excruciatingly exaggerated sigh*
New guy: (still oblivious) I'm pretty fluent in Japanese. Whenever I go, they treat me like royalty. You know, we should do a lunch there this week. Let's call them and see if they're open for lunch.
Me: Or...I could hang you from the ceiling and smack you around like a pinata.
New guy: (on phone) Konichiwa...um....are you guys open for lunch? No? Oh, OK. Domo arigato.
Me: You know, it's probably a stretch to say you're fluent when the only words you know were probably taught to you by Styx in 1983.

New guy: It's too bad they're not open for lunch. You would love it.
Me: Because you know me so well.
New guy: But it is expensive, so...
Me: Good thing I get paid for doing my job and you don't.

Are you kidding me with this shit? This other time, he started a story with "So I was on a flight, and I was sitting in first class." Naturally one would assume that his seat designation would eventually play a part in what turned out to be the world's longest story. (In the beginning, God said "Let there be light"...on the seventh day He rested, and then new guy started telling this story...and God and everyone else saw this was not good.)

But, one would be incorrect. There was absolutely no logical reason to mention his being in first class other than to dazzle us lowly commoners with his supremeness over us. Though admittedly, I zoned out for most of it but luckily I zoned back in for the grand finale of "and then they basically told me I had saved this guy's life and showered me with champagne and a fruit basket."

Wow. Champagne and a fruit basket???? I'd like to shower you with darts and tarantulas and terrorism...and a fruit basket.

Seriously, how can I get this guy to stop sauntering into my office and wasting my time with his elaborately dull tales? I don't want to be a blatant bitch but detecting subtlety is obviously not one of this guy's myriad talents. How do I essentially tell him "shut up, I don't care, I'm not impressed, you're a douche, leave me the hell alone" without actually saying "shut up, I don't care, I'm not impressed, you're a douche, leave me the hell alone"?

HOW!

Help?